You know what bugs me about obsessive-compulsive disorder? The pop cultural usage of the term to describe a person’s finicky preferences. Only using purple plates because you like purple and not yellow doesn’t mean you have OCD. It means you like purple over yellow. Now, if you only use purple plates because you believe that eating off of yellow plates means your mother will die, that’s a different story.
I have OCD, although it’s on the mild-moderate end of the spectrum. I don’t often admit that to people because of the assumption of what that means. I am not a checker (usually) or hand-washer. I don’t have many outward compulsions. In my world, there are good numbers and bad numbers. Good colors and bad colors. Everything must be organized and then organized again, because if things aren’t in the correct order, then something bad will happen. Different foods must not touch on my plate, because otherwise the food will be contaminated. After putting toothpaste on my toothbrush, I can only stick the toothbrush under running water for a split second. If I leave it under too long, then the toothpaste will foam too much and that will negate the whole purpose of brushing my teeth. I have to take my shower in a specific order (shampoo, rinse, conditioner, body wash, rinse conditioner, rinse body wash, run fingers through hair 4 times) or else I won’t be clean. And yes, if I screw up, I start over.
People are always finding my compulsions to be fascinating and interesting, but to me – compulsions suck. It’s my brain’s way of saying, “The only way to make the anxiety stop is to do this” or “Unless you do this, something bad will happen.” Even though I know that this line of thinking is irrational, I can’t help but compulse. As the level of my anxiety increases, so does the number of compulsions.
To the mice, I say: *pffbbt*
Self-harm is one of those compulsions, and a dangerous one at that. One of the most common, if not the most common, coping mechanisms is to find something positive to replace the negative compulsion. It’s not just about stopping the behavior. Let’s say you have a house that’s overrun by mice (anxiety). You find a way to get rid of the mice: mousetraps (self-harm or other negative compulsion). But if you get rid of the mousetraps, the mice come back. You could put the traps back out, but it’s time consuming to have to constantly check and replace them, and it’s not exactly aesthetically pleasing to have mousetraps all over your house. Or you find something that will help keep the mice away before they become a problem: a cat (positive behavior). Cats aren’t perfect, and every now and again you might be faced with a mouse or two. That doesn’t mean the cat failed; it just means that maybe the mouse proved to be a bigger challenge for the cat.
I have no problem finding my cats. Where I trip and fall is when I begin to assume that the mice will come back regardless of how many cats I have and how cunning they are. I give up on the cats and stop nurturing them, or sometimes I’ll just avoid getting the cat in the first place because really… what’s the point? The mousetraps worked just fine. They might be more inconvenient, but at least I know they worked. And I’ll admit that I have a hard time with the idea of “fixing” my OCD. My compulsions typically don’t affect anyone else, and the obsessional thoughts are kept to myself. I don’t understand why I can’t or shouldn’t continue to do these little things that make me feel safe, especially when they aren’t a big deal.
But I do understand the importance of finding one’s cat, whether it’s journaling, composing music, drawing, doing puzzles… whatever. Don’t get rid of the cat before it’s even had a chance to tackle the mice, and remember that not all cats are mousers. I have a lot to learn before I can box up the mousetraps and maybe even throw them away. Judging by the spike of anxiety brought on by thinking of throwing away metaphorical mousetraps, I’d say it’s going to be a while.
What’s your cat, and are you taking care of it?
I like the cat analogy. While I’m not fighting the battles you are, I think the “cats” are what make me feel more like myself and less like an actor in everyone else’s play. If I neglect them, I get very resentful and angry. What are my cats? Creativity and Self Care (is that a term?).
Ami,
Great post! I find myself having compulsions too. I wish, however, that I could say they were useful compulsions. Like, say, that I have to have all the bottles in the shower facing forward before I can shower. I don’t understand it. I have to have the tag of the towel as the part that is inside and never seen. Towels must be level and even on the rack. I have a ridiculous means of tracking things and a huge pile of stuff at all times (odd, I know). But I know exactly what is supposed to be in the pile and practically come unhinged if the pile is moved. The same is true for the laundry pile.
I’d have to say that writing is my cat…it allows me to jot down my thoughts and anxietyies.
Oye! I couldn’t see the last word *anxieties*
The cat and mousetrap analogy is great.
I especially like the notion that I often feel that ‘cats’ take a lot of time and energy to maintain and the mousetraps that we are used to are in the drawer waiting to be used again – its an easier and faster route, which is the temptation.
So why persist with the cat and throw away the mousetrap?
Its hard to remember the mousetraps deal with the problem but don’t give anything back except something untidy to clear up and explain to others but at least some other people like the cats and they make us feel better about ourselves because we have nurtured them and they make us feel warm and fuzzy. Looking after the cat isn’t just getting rid of the problem its giving something to yourself too and you’ve got to want that – to, in the end, want something for you rather than just want no mice. I have no idea how to get through that step – its something I work on all the time and I do it because I want to be the best person I can for the people I love and that means taking care of me for them.
Good Luck
I LOVE THIS POST! I am diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive and I MUST say that I am so happy that people throwing around the term nonchalantly bothers someone else. It always bugs me when people pick off a piece of hair from their clothes or something and then jokingly say “Omg. I’m so “OCD!” Your plates example was off the hook awesome. Seriously! That kind of stuff irritates me soooooooooooooooo much! Can you tell? LOL
I have no clue how it became so popular to use the term like it is nothing. When did that happen? I remember just being the “weird girl that HAD to have all her markers facing the same way and her desk MUST face the entrance of the classroom or she freaks out and has to start breathing in a brown paper bag.” There was no “term” for it, and now you hear it, so casually, out of just about everyone’s mouth. Any time someone says to me, “I’m a little OCD.” All I can think is…”A little?” and then I usually respond with, “Oh. Have you been diagnosed?” To which they usually respond with “No.” [Blank stare] cue inner frustration.
What about people that grow up with OCD parents, too? I get it from my Dad and God have mercy on the soul of the person that didn’t close the cabinets in the kitchen or didn’t rotate the glass nine times, clockwise, while rinsing dishes. (That’s just a couple of examples. There’s a whole list. lol)
I TRY to have a sense of humor about it, but I used to have what is called “tics.” That makes the disorder even more noticeable among people. Thankfully through some Anchoring and Neurolinguistic Programming Therapy aka “Re-Mapping,” I don’t have the humiliating tics any more, but I still have some less noticeable, a little more controlled but still bizarre compulsions (that can even sometimes trigger tics.)
For example, if something happens incorrectly and is out of order, I freak out until I can fix it because for the same reason as you, it WILL cause something bad to happen. Like if someone eats something with a fork that should be eaten with a spoon. I will go out of my way to find them a spoon. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, if I’m in the middle of work, etc. It MUST be corrected. Don’t even get me started on what happens if the refuse the spoon.
Then, once I’ve calmed the rage and the odd physical sensation (similar to goose bumps/ walking into a cobweb), I think about it and dream about it constantly. It doesn’t go away until the second time I have corrected the behavior by eating spoon things with a spoon.
In addition to that, I have synesthesia. So, apparently, I “view the world differently than most people.” I didn’t know (until recently) that people couldn’t hear colors. Another one I have is with straws. If I go grab some fast food and I order a drink (or someone else does) and they forget my straw, you can forget it! I WILL throw away the drink in its entirety because it is now contaminated and “wrong.” I cannot drink it because it is now “off.” Also, the straw MUST be pre-packaged. If it isn’t packaged, I won’t dare touch it. Ice on an airplane is another one. I must have a drink without ice because the ice on airplanes is dirty and contaminated and WILL cause me to die. Other compulsions consist mostly around food. [It’s interesting because I used to work in food and my staff used to point out my compulsions all the time. Though after time, they did get used to them and things ran a lot more smoothly. lol) I have to smell my food first before I eat it.
What happens if a compulsion cannot get resolved? I clean my house until I feel it is “set right and I have balanced the negative energy.” Also, EVERYTHING must occur in pairs. Two kisses to my husband at a time, two hugs, if I drop something, I must drop it again to set it “right.” I have to check my teeth with a polished knife in restaurants constantly to make sure there is nothing in my teeth in sets of two ending on an even number not with a zero. So, I can check my teeth either 2 or 4 or 6 times but NOT 1 or 3 or 5 or 10 times (11 is okay though) otherwise it feels wrong and my world will collapse and I go into the whole setting it right behavior again. (You can ask Stephanie G. about this one. She’s quick. Picked up on it faster than most people usually do.)
Don’t even get my started on half the stupid crap I say. That goes back to the “tics” which is, technically, Tourette’s Syndrome. It’s funny how people laugh initially until they realize that you’re serious and then it just becomes awkward. Hard to keep friends that you constantly “tick” off. Get it? Get it? Huh? Huh? Seriously though, it gets rough some times. I’m sure you can relate. Again, I try to have a sense of humor about it. I will joke…”yeah, I know, it’s weird.” But inside I’m like…I MUST fix this ASAP even if means upsetting people because soothing the compulsion to fix the right in the world becomes more important to me than people’s feelings. It can be really frustrating some times. The only people that really seem to understand are other people who have it and people who have lived with people that have it. Other than that, I have found that most people are just quick to attach a “weirdo” label.
You’ve actually inspired me to write them down. Maybe it will help me recognize them. Do you find the worst part of this plague is KNOWING how absurd your behavior is and not being able to do anything to stop it? I hate that!
Do you have compulsions that are outside of the home like mine? Or are you at least able to keep it out of the sight of others? I wish I had the one that I call a “productive disorder.” Like having a super clean house or Amy having to face all the tags on her hanging towels. Mine is just a huge pain the butt and not productive at all except for reducing anxiety. Have you tried any anxiety medications? Have any of them helped you at all? I tried, to no avail.
Also, have you had your IQ tested? I used to see a behaviorist who believed that high Intelligence Quotient and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder were linked. Mine is around the 160 area so it, apparently could explain the need to over analyze things (also it helps explain the synesthesia phenomenon). I think if you haven’t, you SHOULD get tested because it could mean that your brain just operates in a more sophisticated manner than most people. Though I haven’t decided if that is a blessing or a curse just yet. haha
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this post. A LOT! I wish I were short winded, but ya’ know… It’s comforting to know that other people share the same frustrations and annoyances that I do. LOL! Honestly, I don’t even know HOW I came across your blog, but I’m glad I did. I thoroughly enjoy your writing style.
The cat analogy is awesome! I don’t think there is any thing that can help replace my odd compulsions, though. If any one has any suggestions, please let me know. I’m glad you’ve found a way to some how get them under control. That’s amazing. You’re an inspiration. I wanted to recommend a book to you, too. It’s called Just Checking by Emily Colias. It’s a great book about OCD. I found it to be HILARIOUS! I love the dark, sarcastic, dry humor and the way she writes about her journey. I bet you would like it. ☺
Thanks for sharing that excellent analogy and shedding some light on OCD and in particular self-harm and the forces behind it.
Xx Jenna